Online dating

Tim says:
remember that 16 year old who liked you?
James says:
oh yeah her
James says:
she must be legal by now
Tim says:
that’s what i’m thinking
Tim says:
what’s her email?
James says:
christ, how long have you had that clock running down on your desktop?
Tim says:
hehe
James says:
I dunno, I’ve got loads of fucking ludicrously nicknamed girls on my list and have forgotten who all of them are
James says:
also I blocked her a while back
Tim says:
i remember that
Tim says:
all that time you could’ve been grooming her
James says:
she was fucking grooming me
Tim says:
damnit, go find her
James says:
aren’t there any other impressionable girls available?
Tim says:
i’m looking
James says:
I’m not having it on my conscience when they find her chopped up in a bin
Tim says:
oh, they’ll never find her (laughs macabrely)
James says:
oh OK then, it’s ilikecandy@hellokitty.co.kr
Tim says:
eggsellent

Humidity, a lack thereof.

Tim says:
man, i’ve got this strange problem
James says:
strange like you’ve killed another hooker?
Tim says:
no, i said “strange” as in unusual
James says:
OK carry on
Tim says:
i’ve got a humidifier
James says:
wow that is weird
Tim says:
and every time i use it, i wake up with my lungs huring and feel like i have a full blown fever
James says:
tell me why I shouldn’t say “Then turn it off”
Tim says:
i dunno…i just think it’s strange
Tim says:
i need a humidifier. i guess i’ll have to buy a new one
James says:
who needs a humidifier?
Tim says:
my nose gets all dry
Tim says:
and my bogeys get all flakey
Tim says:
and i wake up and my eyelids feel like their glued to my eyes
James says:
maybe your humidifier is haunted
Tim says:
that’s without the humidifier
Tim says:
i used it for one year and it was great
James says:
you have to clean them out and things I think
Tim says:
i did
James says:
then maybe it’s haunted
Tim says:
well, it’s got one compartment for water, and another for the souls of the damned
James says:
which one did you clean out?

adult diapers, hooters

Tim says:
i like adult diapers. we should turn more infant stuff into adult stuff. like adult titties-that -are-the-size-of-your-head

James says:
mmm!
James says:
the fact that you can’t buy a giant tit full of beer is something I will never understand

Tim says:
haha
Tim says:
i think it’s a government plot to have people leave there houses. ever.

James says:
well they could station them in the break rooms of offices
James says:
that’s probably the reason why people join the army, it’s just all hushed up
James says:
when you were a kid, did you have those plastic barrels that you could lie in and get pushed down a hill?

Tim says:
haha no

James says:
hmm, did you have sand pits?

Tim says:
sand boxes?

James says:
well I’m guessing they’re the same
James says:
bouncy castles?

Tim says:
yeah

James says:
they would be great as an adult

Tim says:
i was in one a few years ago

Tim says:
I spilled my beer in it and then we couldn’t bounce in it anymore

James says:
that must have been a lot of beer if you couldn’t bounce any more

Tim says:
oh you could bounce, it’s just that you’d be covered with beer

James says:
like tits at hooters
James says:
I’ve never been to hooters, but I imagine that they just spray the girls’ tits in beer and then make them do jumping jacks right?

Tim says:
and then it’s poetry time, yeah
Tim says:
did i tell you one opened up right by my house?

James says:
is this just before you started peeing blood? Because that would make a lot of sense

Tim says:
yeah
Tim says:
but i’ve only gone there twice

James says:
didn’t pass the second interview huh?

Tim says:
zing~

Britney Spears Sex Tape — now with more anal!

Tim says:
I can’t believe this site gets zero hits

James says:
it just goes to show

James says:
mind you, I’ve never publicised it anywhere

Tim says:
I think I know a way to get some hits

Tim says:
We’ve just got to make the titles of our posts more interesting.

At the doctor

Tim says:
did i tell you about my dick?

Dan says:
no

Dan says:
why should you?

Tim says:
yeah, i’ve got a problem with it

Dan says:
seriously? ?what?

Tim says:
i had to go to the doctor

Tim says:
he said i had ’severe toobigism’

Dan says:
hmm. sounds serious

Tim says:
he said i was exceeding 3 inches

Tim says:
by almost half an inch

Dan says:
WOWWW!

Tim says:
he gave me some medicine to reduce my size

Tim says:
but i think it’s just vodka

Dan says:
haha

Tim says:
works though

Later that day…

James says:
did you hear about that guy who went to the doctor and asked him to have a look at his dick?

James says:
doctor says- “well it seems to be in good health, no obvious markings, rashes, or discharge. And a healthy size if you don’t mind me saying”

James says:
patient says “Yeah, It’s a beauty isn’t it? See you later.”

Tim says:
haha

Pure Class

Tim says:
So, the upshot is that I can’t bone her for a while

James says:
did the conversation go:

James says:
“So honey, doctor tells me not make sex for one week”

James says:
“Really? What did the dentist say?”

Tim says:
ahaha

Tim says:
did you make that up?

James says:
not really, there’s a similar joke

Tim says:
it’s a good one

Tim says:
classy too

James says:
guy taps his wife on the shoulder- she says “I’ve got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow I want to stay fresh”

James says:
guy says “Have you got a dentist appointment too?”

James says:
then he bully-bums her

Tim says:
hahaha

Tim says:
what is bully-bumming?

James says:
have you seen the film “Scum”?

Tim says:
no

James says:
oh right-

Tim says:
i’ve seen a film of scum. atop my dishwater

James says:
the TV show “Oz”?

Tim says:
yeah

James says:
that’s bully bumming

Tim says:
a man raping a man?

James says:
it’s just raping someone up the arse, and just really doing it to prove a point

Tim says:
hahaha

Tim says:
cuz nothing quite gets the point across…

James says:
oh you don’t have to tell them twice

Tim says:
they rarely ask for clarification

James says:
“I understand you’re angry, but I’m not sure what I’ve done to- OW JESUS- OK OK!!”

Tim says:
and thus your neighbor’s dog never poops in your yard again

Tim says:
especially not after you bummed the dog too

James says:
great phrase isn’t it?

Tim says:
i love it

Tim says:
you ever read around the world in 80 days?

James says:
I can’t remember

James says:
so it must’ve been good

Tim says:
i read it a long time ago

Tim says:
took me 80 days

James says:
like 24

Tim says:
i felt a significant lack of accomplishment when i realized that

James says:
yeah, and you probably met far fewer indian princesses whilst doing it too

Tim says:
anyways, there’s a scene about cold bath water which would be greatly enhanced by a raw bully-bumming

James says:
what scene couldn’t be enhanced by it?

Tim says:
haha it’s true

James says:
especially in Schindler’s List

Tim says:
in fact, what holiday, birthday, bar mitzvah, knighting ceremony, or thursday morning couldn’t be enhanced by it

James says:
I’m in accord

James says:
“Bully Bumming- Not Just For Prison!”

Tim says:
it’s a new way of communication. instead of using a cellphone, i use my penis is somebody’s ass

James says:
like semaphore

Tim says:
 banging out morse code

Tim says:
although the shouting the ear is usually enough

Tim says:
England expects every man to do his duty! (thrust)

James says:
and thrusting with each word “No…More….Egg…Sandwiches!!!!!”

Tim says:
haha

Tim says:
funny how we both thought of the thrusting aspect

Tim says:
shows how much in accord we are

James says:
well surely that’s the main activity during the bully bum

Tim says:
yeah, it’s really all thrusting isn’t it

Tim says:
you know, if i was bully bumming somebody

Tim says:
i’d give them a wet willy too

Tim says:
you know what that is?

James says:
when you wet your finger and put it in the ear right?

Tim says:
yeah

Tim says:
and then the person would be like, “hmm…wet willies are not bad at all”

James says:
true

Tim says:
“in fact, i rather like them”

James says:
right- lunch time is over

Tim says:
alright

James says:
smell you later!

Tim says:
think about what we’ve said

Feeding the Horse

Tim says:
was i telling you about the weirdest girl in the world?

James says:
is this the very emotionally needy one?

Tim says:
yeah

Tim says:
so i’m gonna meet up with her tonight

James says:
why? Why do it to yourself?

Tim says:
i dunno…sometimes i can’t handle the fact that there’s somebody out there who hates me

James says:
oh I can’t stand that either

James says:
but then I’m very lovable

James says:
so it’s never an issue

Tim says:
yeah, well, i don’t have that advantage

James says:
so what, you’re just going to go out and listen to her bang on again?

Tim says:
so i was thinking, I’ll get her drunk, i’ll finger her for a while, and then i’ll never call her again. that should set things straight

James says:
haha

James says:
I love the verb “fingerbang”

Tim says:
haha

James says:
we don’t have that one in England

Tim says:
i’d never heard it until Full Metal Jacket

James says:
it’s fucking great

Tim says:
do you say “finger?”

James says:
yeah

James says:
I fingered her, I got my fingers wet, I fed the horse

Tim says:
fed the horse?

James says:
you know the action when you feed a horse right?

Tim says:
uh…holding stuff in front of their mouth?

James says:
have you ever fed a horse?

Tim says:
i don’t see how a girl is going to like me waving a carrot in front of her vagina

James says:
sorry, I thought she was japanese

Tim says:
so you feed a horse the same way you fingerbang? i think you’re doing either one or the other incorrectly

James says:
I think you’ve either never fed a horse, or never touched a lady’s bits

Tim says:
i have too fed a horse!

Attention Danny Glover

James says:
if I was a girl and was going on a date

James says:
I’d wear something that showed a lot of cleavage- and then some kind of clown’s trousers with pictures of spunking unicorns all over them

James says:
see how long it took for the guy to mention the trousers

Tim says:
hahaha

Tim says:
you forget that trousers include the ass area

James says:
fuck yeah

James says:
shoes then

James says:
I’d have shoes with the words “fuck niggers” written on them in dayglo

Tim says:
yeah. feet are disposable. if a girl didn’t have feet, i wouldn’t give a fuck as long as she didn’t make me carry her around

Tim says:
haha

James says:
or was in a wheelchair that restricted my view of her ass

James says:
ideally the guy would notice after about 90 minutes

James says:
but if it was on our third date, I wouldn’t cry about it

Tim says:
yeah

Tim says:
what is the converse for girls?

James says:
*blank mind*

James says:
I don’t really know what they look at

James says:
hopefully not hair

Tim says:
if i went on a date, i’d show up in a porsche and take her to ritziest restaurant in town. and i’d see how long it would take her to realize that i had replaced myself with a baked ham in a tuxedo

James says:
hhaha

Tim says:
i’ll bet that ham would at least get a blowjob

Tim says:
you see, we could turn that conversation right there into some kind of SNL sketch or something

James says:
I quite like the idea of watching a baked ham get a blow job

James says:
get chevvy chase on the phone

Tim says:
can you imagine a baked ham in a little tuxedo? we could spin it off into a movie. the ham could co-star with Danny Glover

James says:
I thought you said Danny Devito at first

James says:
and I was thinking “Well really, what’s the difference?”

James says:
is Danny Glover from Lethal weapon?

Tim says:
yeah

James says:
is Chris Rock unavailable or something?

Tim says:
he is, but why would we want our movie to bomb?

James says:
name me 1 film featuring a tuxedo wearing ham that has bombed

James says:
all of those Bond films in the 70s were gold

Tim says:
zing!

Tim says:
this is the scene:

Tim says:
we show the skit with the ham going on a date, then we cut a big shot hollywood producer laughing and saying “that ham is hilarious. get me that ham!”

Tim says:
and then we go to a shot of danny glover saying “i’m too old for this shit! i’m not working with ham!” and the producer is like “why not?” and danny is like “because it’s a ham! and i think it’s starting to go bad!” and then in walks the girl with “fuck niggers” on her shoes and danny punches her out

James says:
roll credits!

Tim says:
comedy gold, my friend. comedy gold.

James says:
it does have a certain “Airplane” chamr

James says:
charm

Time Travel

Tim says:
man, i oughta be running this company

James says:
if you stick around till you’re old enough you will

Tim says:
i told them that this project would be way past deadline and they didn’t listen. but was i right? yes.

James says:
that’s because you spend all day on MSN

Tim says:
hahaha

Tim says:
nah, the programming part

Tim says:
i’m not involved with that

James says:
oh right- well that’s always either over budget or over schedule anyway right?

Tim says:
but they were in a fantasy world

Tim says:
this thing was clearly clearly not even close to being close to being finished

James says:
I read an interesting thing once that said if estimates for big jobs were accurate, they’d never be finished. Things like St Paul’s Cathedral, Real Madrid’s stadium, Sydney Opera House etc. would just not exist

James says:
sorry I mean they’d never be given the green light

Tim says:
oh yeah

Tim says:
yeah that’s true

James says:
the last proper project I worked on only finished on time because everybody on it worked 12 hour days for 3 months

Tim says:
even you? haha

James says:
at one point I worked a straight 11 days

James says:
yeah it was bonkers, the hottest summer in years and I couldn’t even see a window

Tim says:
the last time i was working hard was when they thought they’d get this thing done by december 1st

James says:
no chance of that now eh?

Tim says:
uh…not without the old time machine

Tim says:
but the time machine project is also delayed

James says:
bastard!

Tim says:
these time machine guys are lazy

James says:
now see

Tim says:
they’re like “once we finish it we’ll go back in time and erase this reality”

James says:
they’ll never finish it, because otherwise they’d have already gone back in time and changed the finish date

Tim says:
woah, now you’re blowing my mind

James says:
some people say it’s proof that we’ll never master time travel- cos if we did, we’d already know about it

James says:
then other people say that orange juice without bits in it tastes better

Tim says:
i know that i personally will never master time travel. otherwise, i’d be sitting on a throne of solid gold smoking a big spliff and getting a double blowjob from 2 japanese twins

James says:
that’d be a good afternoon

Tim says:
wait a minute…

Tim says:
there’s a bright light…it’s a like a door is opening in middle of the air…

James says:
what is it! what is it!!

Tim says:
oh damnit! it’s future version of the guy from marketing. he’s a got a sports almanac with him. lucky bastard!

James says:
hahaha

The blog goes online

Tim — I do it best! says: haha this is great
Tim — I do it best! says: first, i’m going to turn off my tagline
Tim says: if you don’t read it carefully, i seem like a retard that yells “I do it best!” before every sentence

James says: I heard that’s what Russsel Crowe does when he shags

Tim says: with each thrust

James says: honestly- I heard he shouts “Go Russ! Go Russ!”

Tim says: that would only be weird if his name was Bill or something

James says: why, can’t he have a stage name?

Tim says: ah true

James says: you know, my girl’s old next door neighbour

Tim says: hmmm…i feel a lot of pressure to make every setence funny

James says: she was going out with this guy

James says: oh we’ll edit out the shit bits

Tim says: good. like this setence. and probably your next 12

James says: and he could only screw if he was listening to “Eye of the tiger”
James says: it’s like in Letterman though where they have to leave in the fuck ups so that you get the understand the one funny thing Paul says in the whole hour

Tim says: yeah
Tim says: the irony here is that i actually have to work right at this moment

Tim says: so you just fill the rest of today’s post up with gold

James says: I’ll get right on that